81 Thoughts I Had Watching GBBO - Series 8 Episode 1

And I'm already thinking about how many Mighty Boosh gifs I can get into this.

HELLOOOOO and welcome to my Series 8 of Bake Off Thoughts Series Thingamabob. I thought it was as good a time as ever to get back into my blogging, and I'm particularly interested to see what all this Channel 4 new presenters/potentially disruptive ad break malarkey is going to do to GBBO. Having not researched any of the contenders at all, I'm diving into the deep end straight away. Let's do this.

1. Oh my gosh. The episode is beginning with Noel Fielding in a top hat and a rainbow hot air balloon. I'm in. 
   
2. The 12 new bakers are in, and so is someone called Pru Lee?! (edit: actually spelled 'Prue Leith') I miss Mary and I'm not convinced.
3. Here's the snake himself, Mr P Hollywood. Praising the Prue.
4. Am already sensing some excellent future fashion choices from the Prue.
5. Tuned out for a sec and my brain returns to hear a nice blonde lady saying "cakes I've thrown away, biscuits I've thrown away" SORRY WHAT. So many goods gone to waste.
6. "I just want to get on with it now and um... burn that first cake." That's the spirit, Man I Haven't Learnt The Name Of Yet.
7. Okay Sandi is absolutely rocking this. Not only is she perfectly matching Mel Giedroyc's way of speaking but I'm pretty sure that floral bomber jacket was worn by Mary in the past.
8. Challenge numero uno (the signature bake): "a family-sized fruity cake" with "no dried fruit allowed". Gotta keep it f r e s h.
9. "How much moisture is that fruit gonna release?" I don't know Paul, I DON'T KNOW. THE SUSPENSE IS EVERYTHING, I'M ON THE EDGE OF ME SEAT 
   
10. Hello contestant number one. Your name is James and you're making an orange, rhubarb & ginger crumble cake, which sounds like something my mum would walk a few miles for.
11. Oh I can feel the innuendo train already pulling into the station.
12. Nice blonde lady is also known as Stacey. She's got (at least) one adorable kid and is making apple and walnut cake with Granny Smith pommes. Yum.
13. Next up: Liam, who's 19 and is already making those amazing insanely calorific milkshakes with brownies on top. Double points, as he's making something not only with apples in but also cinnamon, the winning combination in mes yeux. 
    
14. Paul ain't happy with Liam's loaf. Well, you either love it or you loaf it. I'll see myself out.
15. Is that a courgette...?! So Russian-born Julia is getting a bit edgy with a veggy and I'm already sensing a really cool friendship forming between her and Noel. I feel like they could run a coffee shop in Boston where everyone drinks out of glasses or something.
16. Next we're meeting Badass Sophie, who's (probably unknowingly) channelling my favourite type of Innocent smoothie with a pineapple and coconut sandwich cake.
17. And now Peter, who seems to be a coconut addict. 
    
18. Flowery Shirt Chris likes computers as well as mango and pineapple. But not butter - it's not in his cake. Prue seems alarmed.
19. 1 hour left! Let the crouching by the oven games begin.
20. NnnOoooOooooo. A lady called Yan didn't switch her oven on and I can't help but feel better about the gigantic amount of times that I've done this myself.
21. If she's a good baker though, her skills seem pretty epic. Cakes, sport and science. Yas.
22. Maybe I spoke too soon - her crumble cake came out way too soft.
23. I love Flo already. She's using a lemon cuuuuuuyrd filling, she's a v cute and stylish grandma and she's definitely vibing with Paul Blue-Eyes. 
24. Architect Tom, who from now on I shall call Architom, is making things a bit shiny (always approved) and adding edible gold leaf to a pear. Fancy.
25. The next contestant, Kate, officially wins the most unexpected job role yet. She's a blacksmith from Merseyside, and she's using rose to flavour her cake. Hopefully she'll save me a piece.
26. Now Steven. Okay, a Bonfire Night apple cake sounds like heaven. I don't even like toffee apples that much but somehow that cake just sounds amazing. So much so that Noel has already given his heart to Steven.
27. Nice blonde lady a.k.a. Stacey really reminds me of Victoria Coren. 
    
28. Please oh please lord of the kitchens, may I have a turquoise fridge in later life, thank you very much.
29. Squidge squodge, so much cream-blobbing.
30. Nice blonde lady a.k.a. Stacey a.k.a. Victoria Coren is looking slightly stressed but I think she's keeping it together. Because she's Victoria Coren.
31. Oooh.. ooohhh.. noooooooooo. James (I think) has "lost some bottom". Always a nightmare when that happens.
32. I n t e n s e  m u s i c.
33. "Dripping all over the place" - Victoria Coren 2k17.
34. Ohhhh it's an ad break. Let's take a breather.
35. And we're back! Kate's cake looks rather lovely. Prue's not happy with the non-edible flower decoration though - oh NOEL'S EATING IT. He's eating a petal. I love him. 
    
36. "Tasted like a clown's nose" - why is it that I can actually sense what that tastes like. I think it's 'cause I have a vivid sensory memory of those plastic spheres you use to wedge on your schnozz for Red Nose Day.
37. Some ouches here. Peter's put waaaay too much baking powder in, and Architom overbaked in Paul's eyes.
38. Here comes the hipster vegetable cake. Okay but a bit damp.
39. Yaaay Flo! She's done pretty well with hers, and so has Flowery Shirt Chris. Not so much for Liam and Yan, but Yan's satisfied with her efforts.
40. Steven's bonfire cake now, and to be honest, it looks like he already owns a cafe that's known for its wunderbar cakes. His standard is rather high right now.
41. Okay well Sophie's trumped him already. She gets the first Blue-Eyes handshake of the season, in the very first episode.
42. Technical challenge time. The great thing about Noel is that even though the scripted comedic dialogue is kinda awkward, his own awkwardness trumps it to the point where it's not really cringe-y at all. 
    
43. So they're making chocolate mini rolls. It seems simple in my head at first, but actually I have no idea how on earth they're made.
44. With peppermint buttercream apparently... mmm.
45. Sounds like Steven knows what he's doing. At this rate, he probably does.
46. Hahahaha. Stacey/Victoria Coren measures things in "pfff"s. She put a whole "pfff" of essence in.
47. It feels like Peter is playing a risky game. His eyes are frighteningly wide as he's talking about mixing milk and white chocolate and I'm feeling uneasy.
48. Rolling time. My inner perfectionist is dying. 
49. Yan's treating us to an exposed bottom. Oh okay, Noel is promising a literal exposed bottom. This is what we all signed up for.
50. VC is so dedicated she has chocolate smeared across her nose. I wonder if the camera person told her.
51. Russian-born lady is very nervous. Blacksmith lady has a nice swirl. Liam's too minty.
52. James seems to have smashed this challenge. Even better than Steven, who actually came sixth surprisingly.
53. In third: Julia! Second: James. Aaaaaand first: Kate! Is it me or is there always someone pretty good called Kate pretty much every season?! Maybe not.
54. Another ad break. I'm actually not minding them as much as I thought I would. Gives me time to make another cuppa. 
    
55. Challenge numero trois: an illuuuuuusion cake. It has to be a cake, but not look like a cake. Simple right?????!
56. Sophie's making a champagne bucket cake. Victoria, I mean Stacey, is making a clutch bag cake. Which Noel's looking forward to apparently. 

    

    here's a sneaky peak of the finished product

57. I don't know why but I definitely think the designs that aren't food are a bit more of a challenge.
58. Despite not actually liking the fruit, Flo's making a watermelon cake which looks/sounds amazing.
59. If Kate's greenhouse cake works out, it could look stunning. Peter, on the other hand, is currently making the knife element of his cake. I'm scared.
60. Now I know I said that I prefer the designs that aren't food, but Steven's idea of a loaf of bread and a sandwich is satisfying my food cravings just by looking at the design.
61. No wait! I take it back. Yan is making a cake that looks like a bowl of ramen and I think I'm in love. Fondant pak choi. FONDANT PAK CHOI. 
    
62. Ohhhh Stacey's thrown her dense sponges in the bin. Oh no.
63. Russian-born Julia is making a Russian doll cake. I don't know if anyone has ever made a cake like this but it sounds epic.
64. The intense building-up-of-panic music has started. How Steven is going to make that cake look like a bread loaf I do not know.
65. Yan has made a friggin' chicken katsu. I mean, I'd prefer the real savoury thing but still. Wow.
66. Um. Okay so Sophie is um... handling some modelling chocolate. This has to be the dodgiest bit of Bake Off yet.
67. 5 minutes left! Aaaaaw Flo has little fondant snails around the watermelon. And Steven's sandwich is looking insanely good. Like, serious professional vibes. I can't help but feel suspicious.
68. Ads ads ads. Okay now I just wanna know who wins.
69. Finally it's judging time. Yan is up first, and oh my gawd. It looks incredible. And it tastes...well, good says Prue, dry says Paul.
70. Another dry bake for Architom! Kate's bake turned out okay though, and so did James'.
71. Flowery Shirt Chris isn't happy with his by just looking at it being cut open. A little dense me thinks. 
    
72. Flo... Flo you are after my own heart, I swear. This watermelon is beautiful.
73. Awwww and the Russian doll cake is brilliant! But a bit dry, says Prue. Dang it.
74. Peter's not done so well, and Stacey's presentation wasn't the best received. It tastes brilliant though, the judges are saying. So that's something.
75. Now for the champagne bucket cake, by Sophie. Ooooh it's dry. Lotta dryness in the house.
76. Steven, holy cow. That looks like the nicest sandwich in the universe. And the nicest bread loaf. Wow, Paul called it "perfect". Surely he's guaranteed Star Baker status now. 
77. Errr, 19 year old Liam has just invited Prue around for breakfast. She is a silver minx.
78. Breaky McAdBreak.
79. Aaaand we're back. Sandi is announcing Star Baker... it's Steven! Of course.
80. Noel is on the Bad News Brigade for this first week. Peter and his knife cake ways are leaving us. Farewell, sir. 

    

    erm

81. Next week: BISCUITS. And an absolutely gorgeous jumper sported by Mr Noel.

Delicious images/gifs: *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *