- Mel and Sue are BACK. TOGETHER ONCE MORE! I'm ecstatic, can you tell.
- So it's Week 3 and according to the official 2016 Bake Off Schedule (don't quote me on this) it's Bread Week.
trolls, dementors, he who shall not be named - ANYTHING BUT BREAD WEEK Val sounds pretty confident as she makes bread all the time. I personally have only ever made pizza dough and it turned out to be more like a pizza loaf in the end. Obviously got a bit keen with the easy-bake yeast. - The first challenge is to make "chocolate bread" in any form. I wish to see a giant brioche with chocolate sauce in the middle. Basically an enlarged one of these:
ooh la la je les adore - Yes, Candice!!! Bringing the brioche with chocolate and some caramel too. Bonus points for fighting off Paul's intimidation tactics too, good work.
- Rav, meanwhile, is using cardamom and hazelnuts in his loaf. It'll be like a 'Babka', he says. "I know what a Babka is": Mary reasserting her Bake Off tent dominance there.
- Turns out Benjamina is in on the secret too: she's making an 'express Babka'. I'm just smiling and nodding at this point.
- Trying to listen to what the others are doing but there's so much distracting kneading action... ok, Kate is baking something that looks like cobbles. Excellent.
- Aha! Andrew has decided to bake a traditional Irish Halloween loaf. Ireland is just magnificent, they have food especially for Halloween. Come to think of it, do us English folks have anything?! All I can think of is a load of miniature Mars bars in a pumpkin bucket.
- Val is using chocolate spread as a filling for her vanilla-and-something loaf, yesssss get in ma belleh.
- I've just made some Nigella Blondies and watching this is making me want to eat every single one of them. Send help.
- Michael is crafting a spicy spicy bread with cayenne peppers and dark chocolate. I'm not sure I'd eat it myself as I'm still a dark-choco-phobic (?!) but it sounds like something someone somewhere would eat. At some point.
- Solasi! He's obviously been watching old Terry's adverts as he's bringing in some orange flavour, as well as some cinnamon, to go with his chocolate bread extravaganza.
- "Noone likes a small under-filled ball." I bet my dry shampoo that Candice was provoked to say that by Mel and Sue. Keeping her promise of red lipstick for this week I see.
- Mel has found her true calling as a human smoke detector. She's just informed Solasi that his bread is burning...
- And Candice's creation has collapsed! There was too much liquid and not enough substance. Candice, you were wrong: everyone likes an under-filled ball.
- Results time: quite iffy results in general. Some overcooking, some over-chocolating, some under-baked goods. Poor Candice.
- Michael ended up using too much spice, I fear Ainsley Harriott and his spicy ways have gotten through to him too soon..at such a young age..
- Oh, hang on! Tom, Vampire Weekend guy, has aced this challenge! And so has Rav with his cardamom loaf.
- Now it's time for the technical. When Paul says beware, it's not a good sign. "12 dampfnoodel". With 2 sauces....what the actual heck.
- Mel tells us that the word 'dampf' translates to 'steamed' in English.
- Mary describes them as an "iced bun without the icing", to Paul though and not to the bakers who actually need this tip. All they have is a list of instructions that starts with "1. Make a dampfnoodel dough". Sorry WHAT
- HOW??!
- "Prove". FOR HOW LONG, JEEZUS ON A BICYCLE
- Paul is having a field day backstage in comparison.
- History lesson time, stress relief is needed. Apparently there's an official dampfnoodel song which I now want to have as my ringtone. I will somehow make this happen.
- Back to the Bake Off tent and GCSE Maths is coming into play. So many calculations for these dampfnoodelen (I'm pluralising as I heard Mel do it and I am a language sheep).
- Andrew is playing a guessing game. To be honest, he's not alone - everyone is. Val's guesses seem to be working well for her yet Rav looks like he's in deep trouble with a foamy swamp yet to evaporate from his dampfnoodel pan.
- "It's the kind of burn that you like." Yes, Solasi, we all like a good specific type of burn on our dampfnoodelen.
- Resultos: Andrew did well but with crispy bottoms, Val has also passed this round. Kate and Rav's dough was super undercooked, Tom's tasted great but had signs of underproving, Benjamina's sauce was too thick (gosh I forgot they had to make sauces) and Candice's is slightly underdone...oh dear she's got a concerned face on and it's not comfortable to witness. Solasi and Jane did OK and Michael not so OK. And Rav...well Rav came in last place. He's laughing about it though, taking it pretty well so kudos to him.
- Third place: Candice! All those uncomfortable facial expressions for nothing. Second is Andrew, and in first place is Val!! Ma woman!!
- So most people are in the conceptual danger zone at the end of challenge two it seems.
- It's time: the super-duper bread showstopper. A savoury plaited centrepiece using three different flours. I reckon this'll be a masterpiece-producing round, like the lion from last series. Who's it gonna beeeeeeeee
- Tom has just spoken some foreign words and he's making something to do with Thor. Yay.
- Val's creating a plaited Noah's ark. She's had to back up her reasoning for not keeping up with the two-by-two tradition with respect to the featuring animals though. Apparently one of the elephants left as they argued and one of the doves flew off for no apparent reason. I may have just broken my personal best for laughing volume.
- Benjamina is making pesto for her loaf, mmmm. Rav is also taking this route but adding some spice, as well as a tasty-sounding masala chutney.
- Pesto for Jane too! She's combining it with chorizo, chillis and parmesan in her showstopper. Y-u-m.
- Did Andrew just develop an American accent or was that just my hearing playing up.. obvs been paying too much attention in my phonetics lectures.
- Val and Solasi are having trouble remembering how to plait four strands of dough. Meanwhile, Tom is showing off to be honest with his six strand plait...which looks slightly 'male' (Sue's word, not mine).
- Kate's leaving hers in the oven for longer as she was off by minutes on the last bake. Praying that the extra time is needed and won't result in an over-bake.
- It's towards the end of the challenge now and the bakes are coming together. Andrew has made a b-e-a-utiful basket out of bread, wow. Candice, on the other hand, is looking rather flustered.
- So the time for results is here and Jane is up first. Baked, great texture, good plaiting and the pesto works! Four out of four, yasss Jane.
- The judges think that Val's bake is rather messy, or "informal" as Mary likes to put it. Tom used an interesting ingredient that I've never heard of in bread before: seaweed. Mary approves.
- Andrew's basket up for judging now, gosh it does look gorgeous. But the wrath of blue-eyed Paul cannot be stopped - he's picking it apart, physically and verbally. The flavours are great though, he says.
- Benjamina KILLED IT, getting "gorgeous" x3 from Paul Hollywood himself.
- Rav has redeemed himself slightly with great flavours but some under-baking let him down.
- A take on Solasi's showstopper by Mary Berry: "That looks good, I want to eat it." Well, what a review.
- Paul has just this moment sipped the 99% alcohol used in Michael's showstopper, the alcohol having been given to Michael by his aunt. Safe to say Paul did not maintain his cool. As for the bake itself? A classic flavour combination but messy execution.
- Kate the dark horse has done so well with her loaf that Mary is trying to invite herself to her next picnic. I would not object.
- Candice...has not got great feedback from Paul. Oh dear. She ain't a happy bunny this week.
- So it's ultimately Val, Michael and Candice in danger. Val again! I'm worried ma woman is going home as it's her second week in a row in the danger zone.
- The announcements....star baker title this week goes to...Tom the Vampire Weekend guy! Yaaaaay. He did not expect that.
- And leaving us is: Michael.
- Prepare your eyes and ears for next week, for it is batter week. Oh my god. YORKSHIRE PUDDINGS HERE WE FLIPPING GO. This may determine my absolute favourites as I allocate super shiny bonus points to whoever makes a good Yorkshire pud.
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